Is the Christmas number one dead??

There have been some brilliant Christmas number ones in the past, hits from legends such as Queen, Human League and The Beatles but I think I’m safe to say (yet not proud to say) that the Noughties Christmas hits have been a paragon for what I can only describe as music designed to induce depression and/or mental instability. I reckon that the general public would be pushed to name more than two Christmas number ones from the Noughties that weren’t produced by the X factor, which has made the Christmas number one somewhat of a farce. So in order to refresh your memories let me take you on a retrospective tour through the dregs of what our society apparently deems suitable to represent us, musically, as a nation at this festive time of year. To start off the new millennium in style we have Men Behaving Badly actor Neil Morrissey as the voice of imaginatively titled Children’s favourite, Bob the Builder. Bob’s catchy number one hit ‘Can We Fix It’ begged the question ‘surely this is a fix’?? Bob and his chums Dizzy, Muck and Scoop managed to beat off runners up Ireland’s answer to Boys to men; Westlife for the top spot in the year 2000. From one annoying little man to another with 2001’s Christmas tune from Stoke-On-Trent’s most famous UFO obsessed fruit loop Robbie, bizarrely accompanied by Aussie actress Nicole Kidman. The duo attempted a cover of Frank Sinatra’s appropriately named Somethin’ Stupid, the result being cheesier than Miley Cirus wearing a Gouda onsie. 2002 brought about the first in a trend of number ones from the multitude of reality pop shows that have sullied our music industry since their inception. Admittedly Girls Aloud are the exception to the rule and ‘Sound of the Underground’ was in fact a great pop tune showcasing our nations sweetheart Chezza as a tracksuit wearing jordie chav (says it all really.) 2003 brought us number one Gary Jules’ cover of Tear’s For Fears’ Mad World only to be knocked off the top spot after three weeks by pop idol’s biggest winner (literally not metaphorically), you guessed it; Michelle McManus. 2004 dredged up bad memories of a wizened, smelly looking Bob Geldoff and Saint Bono with Band Aid 20. ‘Do They Know its Christmas?’ featured pop ‘legends’ such as Dido, Joss stone, the Beddingfield siblings as well as, can you believe it, yes; Busted!!! Wowzers! However what can’t be faulted was that the money raised went to staving children in Darfur, so at least someone was happy with the collaboration. I must have been abroad for the entirety of the winter season of 2005 as I have never herd of the track that reached Christmas number one, never the less it was Shane Ward with ‘That’s My Goal’ sounds like a winner! Surprisingly enough after a little research I found out that this Shane Ward is, shockingly, in fact an x-factorite. The last four years the Christmas top spots have been commandeered by X-Factor production line stars such as Leona, Leon and Alexandra proving that Simon (my trousers are so high up my arse I can use the zipper as a peep hole) Cowel has complete control over the charts. Simon makes gosh darn sure that his soulless manufactured pop protégés are safely at number one and that his pockets are sufficiently lined in time for the New Year. In an attempt to not veer off on an anti X Factor tangent I at least attempt to purport that for the last decade the Christmas number one has been not even vaguely Christmassy! Might I suggest that this year Cowl adds some sleigh bells or children’s choir to this years Christmas number one, doubtless to be Jedwood.